31 January 2006

Observing ease....

I have felt a lot of ease about returning to work. Things that once instigated rage in me are not so upsetting now. Something has changed. I think the fact that my own children are no longer at the school where I work has taken some of the emotional charge out of wanting things to be the best they can be for them. I am not sure this is a good thing to lose. Does this mean I don't care as much now that I am not driven by the self interest or my childrens interests? I have a feeling I may actually be a better, calmer teacher though. I have to observe it all and reflect more on it. I also don't have a leadership position. I guess I feel less responsible for the disorganisation so I have patience with it. I don't want to stress anyone else out like I was feeling a lot of the time whilst I was in that position. I am enjoying the conversations I am having with others more because I am not in a position of service to them as much. I feel I can choose more about what I contribute and do more than I could before. I felt obligated to do certain things before and this was like a chain around me. I have also let go of expectation. I have given up. I have less attatchment to the place. It has come down from it's pedestal and it's now just a workplace. Although I am uncertain about what has exactly caused the ease I am feeling, I am not stopped from thoroughly delighting in it.

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