Update

I had a magnificent Christmas. I enjoyed the day with my family and I feel peace and goodwill.

Tomorrow I am off on a road trip to Broken Hill. I am looking forward to the time out and the adventure. I hope we will have a very interesting and enjoyable time. I want to get lots of good photo's, enjoy writing and find the time to contemplate my life and my future as well as appreciate all I have in my life. I am confident I will do that.

Festive

Man boy who lives with me has bought himself a unicycle. I don't think it has anything to do with Christmas but it could be his way of playing Santa to himself.
One of the real children in the family is working in a cafe being harrassed and abused and reduced to tears.
I am in a daze, wondering if I am prepared and trying to gather up the energy and joy to go with the season.
Other child is sleeping most of the time, only breaking to eat or talk on the phone.

Next week this season will be done.

Cell

I wish I had a dollar for every time the word cell was in the newspaper. There are so many of them, stem cells, terrorist cells, storm cells, jail cells and cancer cells. Most of them don't sound very good. I wonder why the word is used so often.

Holidays

Here at last. The tension has drained and thoughts about school have all but left me. So many possibilities lie in the coming weeks. To do lists are written, Christmas celebrations with family, (one of my brothers is returning from NT), naps, reading, cleaning, writing. I love the holidays. Especially these long ones give me the opportunity to become myself again and explore. I am grateful for my life.

December - woot!

An amazing week has wooshed by.

The last week of students at school is my favourite week. Not just because it is closer to the holidays, but hey, I am human. We have such a fun time reflecting on the year and by this stage the students are so close and know each other so well. It is a great celebration. Last year I didn't have a homeroom. I just taught subjects and I missed it so much.

Yesterday we farewelled the year 9s from my school and there were tears. I love how we let them go. My son is in year 9 and he got the chance to show a short film he had made in Enterprise to the school. It was well received. I was already proud of him and I enjoyed seeing others acknowledge and celebrate his effors.

Tomorrow my daughter turns 17. I am so proud of her. She is an amazing young woman. I have adored her since the moment I saw her.

What a month this is!

The Upside of Anger

I really enjoyed this movie. I strongly identified with the main character. Not that my husband died and I thought he'd left me for another woman, but I have been equally outraged about wrong assumptions and she was just playing it out to an extreme scenario. She was angry and wrong and hurt and wrong and fabulously self indulgent and witty and wrong. I have been all those things before and it really made me think to watch someone else do it in such a spectacular way.

My wonderful fairy godmother Auntie Angela said to me once that the great thing in life is that she is so often wrong. Most of the hurts and pains and negative things we imagine are wrong. It would be great if I could keep that in mind in future. When you are hurt or imagining some betrayal or slight, it is very difficult to suppose you could be wrong. I intend to do that though. That is my intention.

My 40th Birthday

I am 40. My wonderful family and friends celebrated a washed out party with me last night. I enjoyed seeing all the people I love and enjoying their company.
I don't feel different.
I feel the same way I have always felt.
I appreciate my family and friends and all the great things I have in my life. I feel blessed.

Louis Sachar & school counsellors

I read Holes at school during reading class a few weeks ago and really enjoyed it. I watched the video last Friday night and it was great. I am going to use this book and film with students as I feel there are a lot of good things to be learnt from it. I found another book There's a Boy in the Girls Bathroom by Sachar. It gave me a whole new appreciation for the counsellor at our school. I don't know how often I have heard or said the comment that the counsellor is not doing enough to help. I read that book and it made me appreciate the kind of long term effort it can take with people for counsellors. It is an important role and to expect instant results would be silly. It is a great book, was an enjoyable and mostly very light story. I also think there is something in that story for everyone. I realised in reflection on my own behaviour how it is easy to become disliked when you are angry and sad. You push others away and this can really happen very quickly that you end up with few people who want to be around you. It is not some kind of huge personality disorder, that needs to be untangled. It was a great read.

This is so cool

I really can't believe I have done this. It wasn't that hard really. I like writing. The 'novel' is lacking a great storyline and quite a few other features that would make it enjoyable for other people to read to be frank with myself as well as you, but I learnt that I could actually keep up the daily writing thing with ease and quite a lot of pleasure besides. This was good. I am going to do this again. I made it. Woot! - as the kids at school say. I would celebrate only I don't especially feel like drawing attention to myself. I am happy and satisfied on the inside and that's heaps for me.
The other cool thing I must own is that I am so close to finishing my reports that I may just be celebrating that tomorrow night. I really have a great feeling that I have taken my life back under my own control. Feels good!

Avoiding Report Writing

Today I want to write my reports for my students. Every time I get to this time of the year I get the urge to clean my house, start a new business, write a novel, visit an elderly relative I have been neglecting and to read. I read the most I ever read around report writing time.

Yesterday I felt I was being choked to death slowly and painfully by I to do list that I hadn't had time to write down. Many of the things on that to do list were urgent and I'm afraid Mr Covey I was beyond figuring out whether they were important or not. I hadn't slept the night before worrying that if I were to forget one of the things on my list it would create a large catastrophe in my life.

No matter how organised I get, procrastination and panic are my constants.

Reading

I'm finally reading Billy Connelly's biography. I am a fan. I have seen him twice in Melbourne. He is returning soon I hear and I will have to pass, for lots of reasons. I would enjoy it. I have never laughed so much than when I saw his shows. It was a great workout for my stomach muscles.

I am finishing 'The Road to Camelot' a collection of Authurian short stories edited by Sophie Masson. So far my favourite was Isobelle Carmody's story about Guinevere.

I've just started 'Rasberries on the Yangtze' by Karen Wallace.

I am looking forward over the next few weeks to collecting a pile of books for my summer reading. Any suggestions anyone?

Rethinking Me

I have gone over half way on nanowrimo. I feel such a sense of accomplishment. I love this. I have had a few struggly moments, but they have been fleeting, hence moments was the word I used not hours or days.
I have been sick with my lumpy underarm, sore throat tired virus.
Whilst I have been lying around feeling sick and sorry for myself I have been thinking about all my life decisions and what I wanted to be when I grew up and what I have turned out to be. I need to think more on it. I don't feel as inclined to make rash decisions as I once was. I am not in the position to up and leave my job as I used to. I am just thinking about changing the energy I give to my job. It was only meant to be a short-term thing to tide me over and now I have found myself putting all my energy into it. It is not that it is a bad thing to put all your passion and energy into. It's just not meant to be my thing I think. It has given me a very good couple of years but I think it really is time to make some changes to the way I do life and work is one of those things. It has consumed me the last 5 years. It has mostly been a mutual affair, but now I am ready to change things.

Ta Da - I did it

I can't believe it. I caught up. I have been slogging away at it on and off all day. I had to go to docs, which was a pleasant surprise. He was a nice bloke. He didn't callously inflict any pain and actually explained things to me in a way that I (medical ignoramus that I am) could accept and make sense of. I also went to a lovely 75th birthday at the Star Hotel in Town. It was a great spot this afternoon and it was really pleasant.
The most important thing to me is I finished my quota for today for writing and I also managed other stuff. I think I could be getting addicted to be honest.

The week

This has been a busy week. I have kept up with the writing for nanowrimo for most of the week. I have walked every night and all the other things I do to keep myself alive.
Last night I dropped everything though. My daughter was announced school captain for next year. I am so proud of her and happy for her. We went for coffee to Eviva after school/work. She is amazing. I took my son to an event in Morwell and did a spot of shopping, collected daughter from work and came home and went to bed. I was pleased I managed to brush my teeth I felt so tired.
This morning I have cleaned up and am attempting to catch up the writing I missed last night. I feel unimaginative and wonder if I am coming down with the flu or something. I have a lumpy underarm so I am going to the docs this afternoon, which I really dread. I can't stand going to the docs. I know I am too busy at this time of the year to get sick though so I want to get this handled asap.
This must be the dullest post to a blog ever written.

Visit to Melbourne

On Monday I went with a busload of year 9 student's to Melbourne for the day. We toured the Arts Centre. It was interesting and there were a lot of facts about how much and when that revolved around the cost and trouble of building it and I can't remember them all but I got the general vibe that it was very expensive and involved. Now it is there for all Victorians to enjoy, the tour guide said.
It is a beautiful building, but I doubt all Victorians are able to enjoy it. Take that one class for instance. Not one student had ever been there before. Victoria is a big place. I don't know what I was left feeling about it all.
I guess catching the water taxi from Southbank to the Polly Woodside was another experience that left me feeling a little amazed. It has all changed so much from when I worked in the city in the mid 80's. It is unrecognisable actually. I used to walk across the bridge to an annexe in Sth Melbourne and I don't even recognise where I would go now. The landscape has totally changed.
Progress?

New Missions

It is good to set new goals. I have began walking daily again. I wrote my allocated amount of works for the NaNoWriMo competition. I am on schedule with my correcting. I have a job to go for and references. I am feeling better and I probably will stick my job out but it is always good to have choices. It is good to make decisions in your life when it feels others are calling the shots.

Young People Today

During the week I took my son and three of his friends to the 'Taste of Chaos' concert in Melbourne. I really didn't want to do it because it was in the middle of the week and would mean I wouldn't hit my pillow until after 2.00am.
I agreed to do it because he has been really supportive of me this year through many of the trials I have had. He has given me honest feedback and encouraged me to express my feelings and bolstered up my confidence on a number of occasions when I have felt that I was a failure. I didn't expect my own child to fulfil this role for me and it has meant the world to me. I wanted to do something special for him to show my appreciation.
The kids were amazing on the night. They were so grateful and joyful. I am so pleased I did this. I was surprised. I had no real expectation other than to be tired and pushed to fit it in and it was an absolute pleasure.
As a secondary teacher, I get to see plenty of young people and I find most of them to be remarkably wonderful in all honesty.

The United States of Leland

I watched this tonight. Although it was quite touching and painful, it was enjoyably so.

This week has been busy and had it's highs and lows. I am finding it still difficult to get on with things at work. I struggle to shift my focus and resist being negative. I don't like myself and my thoughts at work.
This is the longest I have been in a job. Four and a half years......
I am continuing to question myself and trying to find the truth beneath the upset. I am sure there is something I am not learning that is keeping me suspending in this struggle. I want to be released. It is possibly not even about work. I don't know. I just feel really hurt and upset and whilst I am trying to pretend everything is ok and I am over it, I am dreaming and crying in my dreams and I can't escape it.

Jane - My Inspiration

I have known Jane since I was 6 years old. We have shared plenty together. I love her like a sister. She now lives 5 hours away from me in another state and I see her once a year. We talk often on the phone.

Three years ago her son was in a motorbike accident. I went over and saw this beautiful alive and vibrant young person lying lifeless in a hospital bed. He was 9 years old. Time passed and most things healed but he is currently in a wheelchair and has many physical issues to deal with. Jane has been a constant carer. She has received support from a team of professionals to deal with things like physiotherapy and other medical problems, but for the day to day caring of Sam, she has retained sole responsibility and has cared lovingly for Sam. He has a great sense of humour and is fully aware of the situation he is in.

There are so many heartaching stories to tell and triumphant ones too. Through Jane's experiences I have seen another facet of the world. I would have preferred not to have known most of it.

Last night when I spoke to Jane she told me of her latest trial. Sam has been attending school as often as possible. Last term he had to have surgery and missed most of the term and suffered a lot of pain afterward. This term he returned to school. He is in year 7 and it is his final year of the primary school he has been attending. His teacher excluded him from a graduation breakfast held at a local restaurant and then tried to justify her behaviour and refused to apologise to cut the story to the barest details.

So Jane has had to go through the processes of getting justice yet again. I am inspired that she continues to go after these limited people and teach them what appropriate behaviour is when she has so much burden to carry in her life.

This woman has her life totally altered. The school is the same school he was attending when the accident occured. I don't understand. I am outraged at the treatment Sam has received and the lack of compassion for both parent and student. As a teacher I am totally puzzled about how this other teacher can be so inhumane. What is wrong with these people?

Upsets

Last week was challenging for me. I know I have learnt from the past though because I looked after myself. I had a massage last night, which was great. I continued doing my exercises. I continued to eat as healthy as I could be bothered with. I took some time out during the week and I feel like I am recovering from the upsets. I have had to really search my own behaviour and motives. All Upsets are Opportunities to Know the Truth. Some of the truths I didn't really want to know!
I love my workplace. I totally enjoy being a teacher and many of my fellow teachers have become very dear friends to me. This week I have learnt who is amongst the people who surround me. I remember other times in my life when I have had this chance to see who's who in my life. The reliable, perceptive friends who let you blurt out all your anger and hurt and give that valuable feedback and the sheep who go off to find a new person to kiss up to. I kind of knew who they were anyway. There were few surprises and they were mostly pleasant.

Write a novel in 30 days???????

NaNoWriMo
Yep, I always wanted to write a novel before I turned 40 and as this event is looming(me=40) on the 2nd December, I can just squeeze this goal in. Seriously though, this sounds fun and challenging and just what I need to take on for me to give me something positive to think about right now.

Change

I have had a really crap time at work over the past week. I have felt hurt and angry about it.

It has been a really good opportunity to assess what I am doing and to get clear about my priorities as these things are. I have remembered I love my family, I love my home and I love teaching.

Self Sufficiency

I have been reading about the bird flu and terrorism and other possible dangerous consequences of living in cities and thinking it might be time to revisit my old ideas. I don't want to sit on a hill meditating with the herbal tea but I would like to have some contingency plans for getting away from the insanity of society, should some wastage hit the fan in my world as it is some places all around the planet with seeming regularity. As a teacher I would like to prepare my students to be resilient without scaring them or making them too fearful about thier future.

This article:http://www.theage.com.au/news/opinion/veneer-of-civilisation-is-easily-eroded/2005/09/08/1125772644245.html reminded me of a workshop we had with our year 8's last year about Medieval times. The man who was teaching them about knights and castles told them that in three days our civilisation would boil down to basically what happened in New Orleans. When I first heard it from him, it rattled me and reading the above article has yet again rang a warning bell. There are so many fearful scenario's that could play out.

I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to expect the worst. I don't want to ignore signs and be unprepared though. I have people I love that I want to protect. Where would I draw that line though? I love many, many people.

I made it to 21!

Repetitions that is, not years!
Today was smooth. It was an incredibly sunny, windless, spring day. My classes all were productive and enjoyable.
I reached the final level in my Tibetan rite exercises. Yes I have done 21 repetitions of the 5 rites this morning and I feel great. I never thought when I began at three I would make it to 21, well actually, the three was a breeze, I think it was at about 11 when I started to have doubts, but anyway, I did make it. It was a bit of a push each time, including this morning, but I feel a sense of satisfaction at my persistance. I am even pleased that I have made this habit of doing it every morning for the last 10 weeks. Yes, I feel good about this. If you haven't heard of the Tibetan rites and are interested the website that I found out about them from is:http://www.shapeshift.net/5tibetans/ and also for more information about them, particularly the breathing http://members.ozemail.com.au/~clauspat/spin.htm. I don't really understand all that is on the second site though to be honest. There are other sources of info on the internet, but I found these to be the quickest and simplest to start with.

unReal Estate

I want to be a real estate agent next I think. Today we looked at another couple of properties and they were both really divine. I am glad I don't have to decide. It is great to go along for the ride, daydreaming and imagining potentials and lifestyles and living opportunities without having to make the decision at the end.

That's why I think I would like to be a Real Estate agent. I could show people through homes and imagine with them and picture this and that and then hop in my car and drive back to my amazing home. I think it would be fun. But for now being a teacher is better. It's tough to beat actually when you like learning and teenagers and holidays.

I have found so many education blogs today and blogs written by other teachers. It is really amazing. When I have consumed them for a few weeks and selected my seriously consistently favourite ones I will add the links.

Welcome back essential oils

Around 10 years ago, when I was on a big mission to revolutionise homes and learning feng shui and lots of other things about home, I 'apprenticed' myself to an aromatherapist. I wanted to learn about aromatherapy to apply it to creating spaces in homes and the essential oils would I figured add another dynamic tool to ones space creating kit. I spent one day a week with Ronece, who I have now lost contact with unfortunately, and she taught me heaps about essential oils and health. I loved my oils and I would make a different blend each morning and after I showered I would massage the blend into myself. I always put a couple of drops of lavender or chamomile into the kids bath to settle them in the evenings and I turned to my oils first if there were any illnesses or crisis's in my circle.
My life has changed dramatically since those times. Different partner, town, job, friends, home, lifestyle and time has inevitably passed. I have kept my oils and all the associated tools that go with them and on occasion I will light a burner after cleaning the house to add a bit of whatever it is I'm striving to create in the space.
Anyway this morning I decided that I need to do the daily massage thing again and I did and I immediately felt relief from a headache and weariness that has dogged me all week. It was so simple and easy to do and yet I haven't done it for probably 6 or so years. I have no idea why I stopped, but I am delighted I have started again.

Excited about Kate Bush new Album

I know it is old news, but today I have felt excited about Kate Bush's new album coming out. It makes me feel hopeful and I listened to 'King of the Mountain' online this afternoon and totally enjoyed that familiar style that is unique to her and often imitated.

I enjoyed my day today. I just appreciated all the little details of my life. Even being back at work was pleasant because there are so many great people I work with that make me smile. My workmates, my students and friends there are a major part of my life and I feel blessed by them all. I enjoy learning and am lucky to be in a job that I love.

The Importance of a Nap

I spent the entire afternoon napping. It was delightful. I needed it and I feel so much better. I should have done it the first day of the holidays and not the last! I think I did have one such afternoon at Foster actually. I feel I can now cope with returning to work tomorrow. I would have said returning to school, but as my daughter accurately pointed out to me on numerous occasions, it is her school and my place of work.
My grandfather (who is now 85) has always enjoyed a nap after lunch. I think it is a good and worthwhile thing and I intend to do as much of it as I can.

Carrajung

Went for a drive today to look at some properties for sale. It was a very spring kind of day and there is an amazing view from Carrajung that we enjoyed whilst having a yummy picnic on what was probably once an oval. It was framed by tall trees and I can't believe now that I didn't take a photo. Too distracted by the view I guess and by daydreaming about what could happen in that space. It was warm, sunny and delightful.

Foster - Breakfast at Dawn

We ate our breakfast on the beach, Andy ate his healthy oats and sultana's, whilst I indulged in a decadent jam tart, with buttery pastry, mmmmmm..

Foster for a week in September

There are heaps of little trips to take from Foster and as usual, Andy selected the more obscure and interesting ones. I love that he takes me to places I would never discover. He has a GPS now and that is making him even more exploratory!
We found an amazing beach down a quiet dirt track. It had views of the prom on one side and the hills beyond Toora and Foster on the other. It was so quiet, except for the frogs and animal life in the small patch of bush that separated the waterfront from the road. We spent an afternoon there and then got up at 4.30 in the morning to watch the sunrise and got some amazing photos. I will put my favourite one up, once I decide what it is.
We visited Toora. There were so many properties for sale there. The area is quite expensive still. Toora was a ghost town. It made me feel sad to be honest. Surrounded by beauty and abandoned. The old shops that with a huge injection of cash, could have been very interesting and stylish, but had moss growing on the inside and were dusty and falling down! It was stagnant and decaying. The milk factory has closed about 12 months ago and apparently this has been the aftermath. I feel it must have been in decline for longer than that. It would be interesting to see if it sparks up in summer. There were signs that there had recently been life there. We drove a lot more on this trip and the views were of green rolling farmlands and the prom’s hills emerging from the water. It is a breathtaking sight. There is a slight fogginess that evokes a sense of unreality about it and makes it seem illusory or fragile. As though the mist could swallow the view up.